The NecronomiYawn

Recently installed Military Dictator for Life, Michael Yawn has decided to follow in the footsteps of one of his lifelong Idols, Colonel Muammar Quaddafi. He is already working to align the tiny city-state he has conquered in Tarok Kolache, Afghanistan with far stronger regional allies like Iran. To this end, he sees himself as the next self-professed king of kings, imam of imams, and tyrant of tyrants. He mentioned in a recent interview that "since [milbloggers] have universally declared me douchebag of douchebags, I figured I'd better start racking up the titles for my Wikipedia page. Oh by the way, I've NEVER EVEN read Wikipedia. I don't read "news" on the "internets."

Yawn believes that Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi of Libya is a great dictator, but he’s also a stupid insecure one. In solidarity with those bravely fighting for him, he has decided to write his own version of Quadaffy's little green book, which is, he believes, a simple copy of Mao's little red book, which was simply put into google translate and churned from Chinese to Engrish to Libyan. Mike finds the whole process tedious, and decided to put pen to paper without those pesky "editors" to limit him. He is requiring every adult male in his country to carry and read at least twelve passages per day. Upon registering to vote, a man must claim which verse is his favorite, recite it from memory, and then have it tattooed on his chest, next to the picture of Yawn as "His Most Righteous and Sheikh Excellent Professor Doctor."

A few sample quotes from the aptly-named NecronomiYawn:

“Women are females and men are males. According to gynecologists, women
menstruate every month or so, while men, being male, do not menstruate or suffer
during the monthly period. A woman, being a female, is naturally subject to
monthly bleeding. When a woman does not menstruate, she is pregnant. If she is
pregnant, she becomes, due to pregnancy, less active for about a year.”

“When it comes down to safety and welfare of your child, I don’t think any parent
would sacrifice anything to make sure nothing happens to their children.”

“I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best
for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is
going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more
than we do about life.”

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and I’m just the one to do it.” (In reference to Blackfive’s Uncle Jimbo)

“We need to know whether today was a coincidental series of unavoidable setbacks, or a systemic flaw.”

“Jihad is the knife slicing the salami of freedom.”

“The only way to get our economy going again and solve our budget problems is to get the economy moving.”

“How can you get a volcano in Iceland? When you think of volcanoes you think of Hawaii, or long words like that. You don’t think of Iceland. It’s too cold to have a volcano there.”

“It took all my semiotic Lacanian deconstructivist saturation and torqued it.”

“I feel like a pilgrim from the f*cking ’20s washing this sh*t in the sink.”

“Osama Bin Laden would never understand the joys of Hanukkah.”

“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies
but is not an airplane, and if it swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese
will eat it.”

While no one is quite sure what any of these quotes mean, Aman Bin Fartin, the local Taliban chieftain and owner of "Falafel on a stick," has declared that Yawn’s ideas are “pure genius” and that “if any infidel denies these revelations, then a pox on their house and may the fleas of a thousand camels take up residence in their merkin.”

Afghan Tigers

I was taken to a secret mountain hideout (seen here) by my Afghan-Thai Guide, Hopsing Hamchuck, to attend what I thought was to be a meeting of tribal elders in this impoverished region. And by impoverished, I mean really poor--they not only can't afford copies of Danger Close (available new, in paperback, on Amazon for $39.50, or Hardcover, for $10 less, used for $2)--these people are educationally impoverished too; They have never even heard of Mike Yawn.

Anyway, we trekked into the rugged terrain for what seemed like hours, but was really only twenty minutes. It seemed longer because I had on 100 pounds of body armor and d-rings, 65 pounds of camera gear, thirty signed hardback copies of "Danger Close" for gifts and Ipods with all of my TV and Radio interviews on them for gifts to the tribal elders. I am suitably impressed by the safety in this region, last time I was here there wasn't anywhere I could go and not feel spiders crawling on my neck. Now, it seems like the only occasionally crawl on my neck. Must be because McChrystal and Menard stopped having them sprayed on me from black helicopters while I slept.

So we arrive at the secret mountain hideout, and I am quickly brought into a room with a green flag, a picture of Daniel Pearl, and guys with knives and guns. I am not worried, because unlike Daniel Pearl, I am not a journalist--I am a writer. They can have no reason to harm me.

Naturally, as my seventh sense about these things plays out, after interviewing me at great length, my host, Stephan brought tea and twinkies and he decided that I was too important to kill; I suppose because I am the only one telling the truth about the war. Stephan and his co-leader Blaine invited me to stay the night, but I wasn't sure if I should--I'd forgotten my hoodie footie back at the brothel--I mean at my base of operations.

They said they had something very special planned for later in the evening--that I would be joining a select group of fighters known as "The Afghan Tigers." Since I am already a member of a select group of warriors--I was the youngest person to ever get peered out of Field Sanitation School--I knew what a great honor this would be. I was given more tea, and snuck another twinkie, and led to my room.

Some time in the middle of the night I awoke in my now-dark room to the familiar feeling of rough hands pulling off my clothes, then rubbing me down. I asked what the sticky lotion they were using was... Tiger's Milk, I was told. This made sense, and seemed like a cool tradition. Only when weaned on the milk of the tiger can the cub become the mighty hunter.

After my rub-down, I was stood, and dressed in their warrior uniform. This, too was done in the dark. The rough fur on the uniform felt exhilarating--I knew it had to be from the hide of the feared Afghan Mountain Tiger, passed down through the ages from warrior to warrior. I was told that I had to remain in the dark for the remainder of the night--I agreed, but I always pack my trusty night vision camera. I set it up to snap a picture, making sure the auto-focu was set this time, and linking in to my sattelite phone to send it directly to my blog. I'll look at it later, but for now I wanted all my loyal fans to see just how awesome and fearsome I am in my new brotherhood uniform: The Afghan Tigers: Me-Yow!

69 things you didn't know about Mike Yawn

Things you didn't know about Mike Yon
1. Mike Yawn loves to strike up meaningless conversations with single mothers long enough to finish his Virginia Slim cigarette, put it out in the child’s eye, and run away.
2. Mike Yawn gave Mona Lisa her smile. It happened when she saw Mike naked.
3. Mike Yawn has fake tits.
4. Mike Yawn’s shit is already packed.
5. Mike Yawn has two speeds: walk, and prance around like a homo.
6. Mike Yawn is trying to bring back the “fanny pack."
7. Mike Yawn once ALMOST finished an entire double-mocha frappuccino latte at Starbucks, but stopped when he started to feel “woozy."
8. Mike Yawn loses bladder control while watching scenes from Death Wish III that feature the epitome of masculinity, Charles Bronson.
9. The line “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street” originated when Mike Yawn, nervous and eager to have sex with puppets, lost his way to the Sesame Street auditions.
10. Mike Yawn once stuck his penis up a man’s nose, then accidentally into his ear, then back into his nose.
11. Mike Yawn once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and merely blinked because the ladyboy porn he was watching was too exciting to sleep through.
12. Mike Yawn is so gay that when he goes to the donkey show, he gets jealous of the woman.
13. Mike Yawn clutches the hell out of his Coach bag.
14. Mike Yawn keeps a dick up his ass as much as possible to keep Jimbo from kicking it.
15. Mike Yawn’s rap career ended early when he found he couldn’t find a rhyme for “Duck."
16. Mike Yawn refuses to fight in the Octagon; he will only step foot in the Decagon because there are more corners where he can cower in fear.
17. Mike Yawn wets his bed on a nightly basis because he likes the warm feeling.
18. Mike Yawn watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming “Plant that pole and unleash on the backside!!" at the top of his lungs.
19. Mike Yawn's IQ test came back negative. Most people thought he’d score lower.
20. Mike Yawn is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Mike Yawn fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a girlfriend.
21. Mike Yawn often joins beginner karate classes, just so that he can “accidentally” kick the shit out of little kids.
22. When Mike Yawn sings karaoke, it’s always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won’t see him looking at the monitor for the words.
23. The Mike Yawn food pyramid consists of Haagen Dazs and regret.
24. As a child, Mike Yawn played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos. Mike Yawn once received an automatic 60 points and a lifetime of undeserved popularity for shaving a hippo’s pubes and hot-gluing them to his face.
25. Ray Charles once looked at Mike Yawn photographs...and said "shit man, don't you know how to focus?"
26. In a recent poll, Mike Yawn beat the Hamburglar as the “World’s Biggest Ass Bandit."
27. Mike Yawn and Janet Reno have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes from Star Wars using their penises as light sabers.
28. Mike Yawn thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.
29. Freddy Mercury wrote “Fat Bottomed Girls” after a passionate night with Mike Yawn.
30. Mike Yawn once challenged Jesse MacBeth to a writing contest. Jesse MacBeth won.
31. When Mike Yawn gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass.
32. Mike Yawn once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.
33. Contrary to popular belief, Mike Yawn learned the roundhouse kick not from Jacki Chan, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
34. Mike Yawn is the leading cause of abstinence.
35. There are indeed horses hung like Mike Yawn. These horses die alone.
36. Mike Yawn' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.
37. Mike Yawn once tried snorting Coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose.
38. Mike Yawn fans are upset because Anti-Mike Yawn fans don’t spend hours coming up with witty rebounds. Anti-Mike Yawn fans just remember flicking through “Danger Close” and coming up with thousands of true things to say about Mike Yawn.
39. Mike Yawn once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Mike Yawn was pissed off because you can’t have sex with 25 gold coins.
40. The chief export of Mike Yawn is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.
41. Mike Yawn really DOES know the meaning of “Just Say No," because he just says no all the time...to women.
42. Mike Yawn's semen cures cancer. Too bad he is impotent.
43. Mike Yawn does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.
44. Mike Yawn currently suing ABC, claiming “Hope & Faith” are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
45. The chief export of Mike Yawn is diarrhea.
46. Mike Yawn attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn’t know where to start.
47. Mike Yawn is not a combat photographer because the title hunting implies the chance of success. Mike Yawn wanders around aimlessly with a camera.
48. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers’ Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Mike Yawn, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.
49. Mike Yawn never learned to swim because his family’s gene pool was too small.
50. Mike Yawn once attempted round-house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.
51. Mike Yawn tried to touch MC Hammer, but got burned.
52. The devil wears Prada. Mike Yawn made him.
53. Mike Yawn turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie “Dodgeball” on the grounds that he doesn’t like to dodge balls--he prefers to have them resting on his chin.
54. When Mike Yawn has sex with men, it’s not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn’t find his penis when he wanted to have sex with them.
55. Mike Yawn was the one who took a bite out of the Apple logo. Not because he was hungry, but because he loves Macs.
56. When Mike Yawn completes a push-up, he does not actually move all the way down, it’s the Earth moving up and punching him in the face.
57. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lady Boy Blue.
Lady Boy Blue who?
Mike Yawn.
58. Mike Yawn’s penis is so small that when he has an orgasm the sperm are released in a single file line.
59. Mike Yawn says “I am… I mean, you are what you eat, dick.”
60. Mike Yawn wears a size 2 ballet slipper.
61. Mike Yawn once visited the Virgin Islands. During his stay he was arrested while attempting to have sexual intercourse with an island.
62. Mike Yawn called “all-time crush” on Leif Garrett.
63. Mike Yawn beats off to “Pretty in Pink” three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.
64. Rice cakes go straight to Mike Yawn’s thighs.
65. Mike Yawn claims he is “Ms. New Booty.”
66. Mike Yawn shaves emoticons into his pubic hair.
67. Mike Yawn's beard is actually a merkin. He can’t function without a man’s pubes on his face.
68. If you bother Mike Yawn during Sex in the City reruns he’ll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.
69. If you say "Mike Yawn" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Mike Yawn will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.

There's a new dicktater in Afghanistan

Dateline: Asad Khyl

In a surprising upset in local politics, a former American Special Forces Soldier turned War Correspondent and Photographer, recently declared himself a Canadian and then, in an even more shocking turn of events, installed himself as the "Military Dictaor for life, or until my paypal runs out" in the villiage of Tarok Kolache, Afghanistan. Local Tribesmen are very suportive of Yon, who plans to rule through the use of extreme insults and by banning everyone who slightly disagrees with him, as well as through character assassinations and threats to tell everyone's boss if they don't apologize.

At the first press conference held in the new Presidential Palace--a recently converted Brothel and goat-feed store--the Glorius New Leader of all things, as Yon's acolytes call him--decreed that for the time being, he was suspending all US military activity in his lands. He would allow the ISAF forces to continue operations only after they have agreed to his many demands, which include the immediate dismissal of all Public Affairs Officers, the rewriting of embed policy to include him in all military decision making processes, and the immediate erradication of all spiders in Afghanistan. "What people are missing here, the really big enemy," said Yon, "is that the most dangerous threat to freedom isn't the Taliban. The real threat to freedom is the spiders. They too, live in caves, and hide where they cannot be seen."

Yon has made other sweeping changes in his new country, some of which include:

• renaming all of the months of the year after himself, except for February, which is now known as "I hate Jimbo" month


• giving himself the title of "His Most Righteous and Sheikh Excellent Professor Doctor" (HMR&SPED )


• requiring all muslims to do the "hokey pokey" five times a day, facing in the direction of GEN Stanley McChrystal's house in the USA


• sending ministry teams into Utah to preach his new brand of religion, dubbed Yonego, to the Mormons


• building a moat completely around his capital city, which will be filled with coconut pudding


• "Boneshakers," safety bicycles, and any other similar machines are banned from the center of town


• it is now illegal to kill, injure, taunt, or otherwise harm a Yeti, or any other animal whose name begins with the letter "Y," except spiders


• 'Y' is now the first and last letter in the alphabetall turtles will be immediately deportedsex with rodeo clowns in the presence of horses is now illegal

HMR&SPED Yon also has new plans to boost the economy of his cash-strapped feifdom: He will immediately begin prospecting for fossils and Ferrous Oxide in this rugged country, as he expects there to be a major boom in these tiny markets in the years to come. He also has plans to buy as many vehicles as he can find, ship them to America and sell them to the US government under the "cash for clunkers" program. In order to encourage the people of his new country to work harder, he has ordered all internet service providers to block all web pages, and only display his "Public Figure" facebook page when someone tries to use social media.

Local Response: When asked what he thought about his new leader, Ahmad Rasshad Soretoro, the owner of the Presidential Palace, said "What could it hurt? We haven't had an effectve government in Afghanistan since... well, ever, actually. For certain, He does tend to go a bit nanners from time to time, and no one knows exactly what he is doing with all those goats and boys during his mentoring sessions, but why not try Yon? What is the worst thing that could happen?"

Aman Bin Fartin, the local taliban chieftan and owner of "falafel on wheels," said that it was good that there was now someone they could point to as the reason their policy of "kill everyone who disagrees with us" was not as effective as the US claims, and also that it would provide a nice distraction to pay attention to local politics after a long day of digging IED holes, stoning women, and buying new lingerie for his goats.

The many manly loves of Mike Yawn

Have you ever noticed that there are a few people that Mike Yawn seems to exclusively hate?
Or is it that he hides a certain special something for them? Perhaps he wants to help them release their stress?

I don't know.

Click to bigify.

Later Yon

After graduating from Special Feces school, Mike Yawn went to his first duty station, where he was known to prowl latrines and highway rest areas looking to help people with "stress relief" (or stress release.) He was guided by a wisened NCO to search out new ways to help his fellow man:

Clicky to embigify.

Early Yon

Have you ever wondered how a certain crazy monkey came to find his calling as a combat photographer journalist milblogger writer? Click to embigify.