69 things you didn't know about Mike Yawn

Things you didn't know about Mike Yon
1. Mike Yawn loves to strike up meaningless conversations with single mothers long enough to finish his Virginia Slim cigarette, put it out in the child’s eye, and run away.
2. Mike Yawn gave Mona Lisa her smile. It happened when she saw Mike naked.
3. Mike Yawn has fake tits.
4. Mike Yawn’s shit is already packed.
5. Mike Yawn has two speeds: walk, and prance around like a homo.
6. Mike Yawn is trying to bring back the “fanny pack."
7. Mike Yawn once ALMOST finished an entire double-mocha frappuccino latte at Starbucks, but stopped when he started to feel “woozy."
8. Mike Yawn loses bladder control while watching scenes from Death Wish III that feature the epitome of masculinity, Charles Bronson.
9. The line “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street” originated when Mike Yawn, nervous and eager to have sex with puppets, lost his way to the Sesame Street auditions.
10. Mike Yawn once stuck his penis up a man’s nose, then accidentally into his ear, then back into his nose.
11. Mike Yawn once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills and merely blinked because the ladyboy porn he was watching was too exciting to sleep through.
12. Mike Yawn is so gay that when he goes to the donkey show, he gets jealous of the woman.
13. Mike Yawn clutches the hell out of his Coach bag.
14. Mike Yawn keeps a dick up his ass as much as possible to keep Jimbo from kicking it.
15. Mike Yawn’s rap career ended early when he found he couldn’t find a rhyme for “Duck."
16. Mike Yawn refuses to fight in the Octagon; he will only step foot in the Decagon because there are more corners where he can cower in fear.
17. Mike Yawn wets his bed on a nightly basis because he likes the warm feeling.
18. Mike Yawn watches the Olympics, but only for the pole vaulting competition, when he can be heard screaming “Plant that pole and unleash on the backside!!" at the top of his lungs.
19. Mike Yawn's IQ test came back negative. Most people thought he’d score lower.
20. Mike Yawn is such a man he once performed a roundhouse kick and reversed the rotational axis of the earth, pulling time and space into a single black hole, in which all Mike Yawn fans eagerly packed into in the hopes of going back in time to an earlier period when they actually had a chance of getting a girlfriend.
21. Mike Yawn often joins beginner karate classes, just so that he can “accidentally” kick the shit out of little kids.
22. When Mike Yawn sings karaoke, it’s always Jewel. And you can bet your ass that you won’t see him looking at the monitor for the words.
23. The Mike Yawn food pyramid consists of Haagen Dazs and regret.
24. As a child, Mike Yawn played Hungry Hungry Hippos with real hippos. Mike Yawn once received an automatic 60 points and a lifetime of undeserved popularity for shaving a hippo’s pubes and hot-gluing them to his face.
25. Ray Charles once looked at Mike Yawn photographs...and said "shit man, don't you know how to focus?"
26. In a recent poll, Mike Yawn beat the Hamburglar as the “World’s Biggest Ass Bandit."
27. Mike Yawn and Janet Reno have been known to recreate the hand-to-hand combat scenes from Star Wars using their penises as light sabers.
28. Mike Yawn thinks that hot rod races are circle jerks. Accordingly, he shows up in drag.
29. Freddy Mercury wrote “Fat Bottomed Girls” after a passionate night with Mike Yawn.
30. Mike Yawn once challenged Jesse MacBeth to a writing contest. Jesse MacBeth won.
31. When Mike Yawn gets angry, he finds a revolving door and attempts to slam it shut. Inevitably, the door swings around and kicks his ass.
32. Mike Yawn once lost to Lance Armstrong in a sperm count.
33. Contrary to popular belief, Mike Yawn learned the roundhouse kick not from Jacki Chan, but by jumping up and twirling around in vain, attempting to unwedge his panties from his ass.
34. Mike Yawn is the leading cause of abstinence.
35. There are indeed horses hung like Mike Yawn. These horses die alone.
36. Mike Yawn' back is so hairy that even Persian women are turned off. But the men love it.
37. Mike Yawn once tried snorting Coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose.
38. Mike Yawn fans are upset because Anti-Mike Yawn fans don’t spend hours coming up with witty rebounds. Anti-Mike Yawn fans just remember flicking through “Danger Close” and coming up with thousands of true things to say about Mike Yawn.
39. Mike Yawn once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins. Mike Yawn was pissed off because you can’t have sex with 25 gold coins.
40. The chief export of Mike Yawn is pain. Too bad his penchant for $800 platinum cock rings prevents him from being able to afford to pay the tariffs.
41. Mike Yawn really DOES know the meaning of “Just Say No," because he just says no all the time...to women.
42. Mike Yawn's semen cures cancer. Too bad he is impotent.
43. Mike Yawn does not sleep. He lies awake in regret.
44. Mike Yawn currently suing ABC, claiming “Hope & Faith” are trademarked names for his left and right breasts.
45. The chief export of Mike Yawn is diarrhea.
46. Mike Yawn attempted to count to infinity. Backwards. He didn’t know where to start.
47. Mike Yawn is not a combat photographer because the title hunting implies the chance of success. Mike Yawn wanders around aimlessly with a camera.
48. In fine print on the last page of the Farmers’ Almanac it notes that annual rainfall figures do not include the tears shed by Mike Yawn, and the figures listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has gotten to subtracting out such overwhelming excess.
49. Mike Yawn never learned to swim because his family’s gene pool was too small.
50. Mike Yawn once attempted round-house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.
51. Mike Yawn tried to touch MC Hammer, but got burned.
52. The devil wears Prada. Mike Yawn made him.
53. Mike Yawn turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie “Dodgeball” on the grounds that he doesn’t like to dodge balls--he prefers to have them resting on his chin.
54. When Mike Yawn has sex with men, it’s not because he ran out of women, but because women couldn’t find his penis when he wanted to have sex with them.
55. Mike Yawn was the one who took a bite out of the Apple logo. Not because he was hungry, but because he loves Macs.
56. When Mike Yawn completes a push-up, he does not actually move all the way down, it’s the Earth moving up and punching him in the face.
57. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lady Boy Blue.
Lady Boy Blue who?
Mike Yawn.
58. Mike Yawn’s penis is so small that when he has an orgasm the sperm are released in a single file line.
59. Mike Yawn says “I am… I mean, you are what you eat, dick.”
60. Mike Yawn wears a size 2 ballet slipper.
61. Mike Yawn once visited the Virgin Islands. During his stay he was arrested while attempting to have sexual intercourse with an island.
62. Mike Yawn called “all-time crush” on Leif Garrett.
63. Mike Yawn beats off to “Pretty in Pink” three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.
64. Rice cakes go straight to Mike Yawn’s thighs.
65. Mike Yawn claims he is “Ms. New Booty.”
66. Mike Yawn shaves emoticons into his pubic hair.
67. Mike Yawn's beard is actually a merkin. He can’t function without a man’s pubes on his face.
68. If you bother Mike Yawn during Sex in the City reruns he’ll, like, totally be pissed at you for weeks.
69. If you say "Mike Yawn" into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Mike Yawn will show up behind you with an axe. Then he'll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.