The NecronomiYawn

Recently installed Military Dictator for Life, Michael Yawn has decided to follow in the footsteps of one of his lifelong Idols, Colonel Muammar Quaddafi. He is already working to align the tiny city-state he has conquered in Tarok Kolache, Afghanistan with far stronger regional allies like Iran. To this end, he sees himself as the next self-professed king of kings, imam of imams, and tyrant of tyrants. He mentioned in a recent interview that "since [milbloggers] have universally declared me douchebag of douchebags, I figured I'd better start racking up the titles for my Wikipedia page. Oh by the way, I've NEVER EVEN read Wikipedia. I don't read "news" on the "internets."

Yawn believes that Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi of Libya is a great dictator, but he’s also a stupid insecure one. In solidarity with those bravely fighting for him, he has decided to write his own version of Quadaffy's little green book, which is, he believes, a simple copy of Mao's little red book, which was simply put into google translate and churned from Chinese to Engrish to Libyan. Mike finds the whole process tedious, and decided to put pen to paper without those pesky "editors" to limit him. He is requiring every adult male in his country to carry and read at least twelve passages per day. Upon registering to vote, a man must claim which verse is his favorite, recite it from memory, and then have it tattooed on his chest, next to the picture of Yawn as "His Most Righteous and Sheikh Excellent Professor Doctor."

A few sample quotes from the aptly-named NecronomiYawn:

“Women are females and men are males. According to gynecologists, women
menstruate every month or so, while men, being male, do not menstruate or suffer
during the monthly period. A woman, being a female, is naturally subject to
monthly bleeding. When a woman does not menstruate, she is pregnant. If she is
pregnant, she becomes, due to pregnancy, less active for about a year.”

“When it comes down to safety and welfare of your child, I don’t think any parent
would sacrifice anything to make sure nothing happens to their children.”

“I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best
for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is
going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more
than we do about life.”

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and I’m just the one to do it.” (In reference to Blackfive’s Uncle Jimbo)

“We need to know whether today was a coincidental series of unavoidable setbacks, or a systemic flaw.”

“Jihad is the knife slicing the salami of freedom.”

“The only way to get our economy going again and solve our budget problems is to get the economy moving.”

“How can you get a volcano in Iceland? When you think of volcanoes you think of Hawaii, or long words like that. You don’t think of Iceland. It’s too cold to have a volcano there.”

“It took all my semiotic Lacanian deconstructivist saturation and torqued it.”

“I feel like a pilgrim from the f*cking ’20s washing this sh*t in the sink.”

“Osama Bin Laden would never understand the joys of Hanukkah.”

“If it has got four legs and it is not a chair, if it has got two wings and it flies
but is not an airplane, and if it swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese
will eat it.”

While no one is quite sure what any of these quotes mean, Aman Bin Fartin, the local Taliban chieftain and owner of "Falafel on a stick," has declared that Yawn’s ideas are “pure genius” and that “if any infidel denies these revelations, then a pox on their house and may the fleas of a thousand camels take up residence in their merkin.”